Julian and I got married in December 2018, and it was one of the most wonderful days of our lives. It was a beautiful ceremony surrounded by all of our friends and family. There was lots of food, music and dancing, and then in the evening, we left the venue, and our marriage journey began!

Many people offered us advice and suggestions, and we really did appreciate all of the support we had then, and still have today. Our marriage is the most precious thing we have, and we have pledged to protect it ruthlessly and relentlessly. Having seen marriages struggle and fall apart around us, we have been spurred on to be even more intentional and purposeful in how we enjoy, protect and keep our marriage healthy.

Perhaps you are reading this as someone who is newly engaged, or as someone who has been married for far longer than we have. I do not claim to be an expert, but I wanted to share 10 tips that have helped us;

 

1. The Wedding is only the beginning.

When you are getting ready for a wedding, planning all of the details, it can be incredibly easy to become fixated on the day. Your wedding day is important, and all of the preparation is so important, but please don’t lose sight of your life together after the day! It marks the start of the beautiful journey of marriage together. Creating a new family unit, the commitment of you both to love, cherish and support one another.

With this in mind, I would strongly recommend that every engaged couple take part in a Marriage Course together and take it seriously. I genuinely believe that it was the best thing we did to prepare ourselves for our marriage and set us up for success.

2. Your relationship is unique.

You and are partner are unique, and as such, your relationship will be unique too. It can be easy to compare yourselves with your parents, friends or people you admire; but your relationship will not be the same as theirs. You need to find what works for you. You also need to be ready to listen to others’ advice and recognise that some advice might be helpful for you, and other advice might hinder you. Discern what you are hearing and seek wisdom.

If you have a faith together, pray about decisions together and create spiritual habits together.

3. Be prepared for the next stage of pressure.

When you first announce your engagement, you become aware of the immense pressure from everyone who has an opinion on your wedding, marriage and life plans. People are well-meaning and are often just trying to help and support you, but it can be overwhelming. But be prepared, after the wedding, the next stage of life questions will begin, and people will ask you when you are thinking of starting a family. Don’t feel as though you need to answer, and if you decide that you want to answer, make sure you discuss it with your spouse first!

4. Ban the ‘D word’ from your vocabulary!

The reality is that you will fall out and argue, that is totally normal. However, PLEASE for the sake of your marriage, NEVER say the D word, even in jest. Divorce rates are increasing worldwide; if you want your marriage to succeed, don’t allow it to be an option. (Of course, there are legitimate reasons you should leave your partner, especially if there is abuse or danger.)

For Julian and I, we refuse to talk or even joke about divorce within the context of our marriage. I’d encourage you to consider the same – marriage needs to be ruthlessly protected.

5. You can only control you.

You cannot change or control your partner, but you can focus on being the best spouse you can be. Recognise that we all carry baggage of some form into our relationships, and consider any baggage you are carrying. I realised before our marriage that some previous experiences and relationships had left me with some baggage, so I decided to go through a period of counselling to help prepare me for marriage. Being self-aware and choosing how you will respond to situations will have a profound impact on your relationship.

6. Marriage takes work.

You may have thought that the wedding was hard to organise, but believe me, that is just the beginning. Marriage takes work; you need to invest in each other intentionally. It can be easy to become complacent or too busy for quality time. But it is never too late to start or recommit to investing in one another.

Marriage is not easy, but it is so worth the effort. It is such a stunning picture of commitment and love, even when deciding what chores you each will do!

7. Alone time is good!

As much as you are building a life together, it is also important to have time apart. Spend time with friends separately and do the hobbies and activities you enjoy, but your partner doesn’t! I have even encouraged Julian to go on a lad’s holiday without me, and it was such a wonderful time for him with his friends. I trust him, and I recognise the importance of good friendships!

8. Change will happen.

Things will change around you, learn to embrace it rather than resisting it. In two years, Julian and I have experienced a lot of change. Friendships have changed, the world has changed in response to Covid, the way we do church has changed, and lots of our plans have been disrupted. Allow your relationship with God, and your marriage, to be your anchor in the midst of changing circumstances.

I know that whatever the world throws at us; however, situations might change, Julian and I are committed to each other. Find ways to embrace change.

9. Decide what you want as a couple.

I have already mentioned the vast amount of pressure and questions you might face as a couple. Make sure you talk about things and make these decisions together. It can be easy in those first few months of marriage to still discuss everything with your parents or close friends, but you have committed to your spouse, so you need to make those decisions together.

Plan things, get excited together and shape a preferred future with each other in mind.

10. Have Fun!

Finally, my tenth top tip is to have fun! Enjoy the presence of each other, plan fun things, and laugh together.

 

 

What are your top tips for a healthy marriage?